It's been a year now.
A year and fifteen days, to be exact,
since my mother passed away.
I remember wondering, on the day she died,
wondering to myself...
"how am I supposed to exist in a world without my mom?"
I still don't have the answer to that question.
I just know that I did. And I will. Exist without her.
Time marches on; it isn't easier, it isn't better,
without her here, it's just different now.
And life is that way.
About six months ago, I read a tenderly written book by Jim Beaver, entitled Life's That Way. He lost his wife
{and mother of his 2yr old daughter}
to lung cancer a few years ago.
Her battle with the disease was eerily similar to my mother's.
His journey through grief achingly similar to my own.
And this story of loss & grief was
strangely comforting to me;
I guess because I connected with it.
A sad story with a sad ending and yet
Mr. Beaver's words were hopeful...
"I will bear this grief, I will endure it, I will reach a point
where it doesn't kick me down an abyss
whenever I turn my back on it.
But...it will never go away.
I will always mourn her. I will always miss her.
And getting on with life does not mean finding
the hidden passage into a Shrangri-la where
sorrow stops and a new and idyllic life begins.
Rather, getting on with life means learning to walk
and even run with this new weight on my shoulders..."
I am learning to exist and be content in a world
without my mom.
She is no longer here, but she is present always.
I carry her in my heart.
And life, life is that way...straight ahead. Look for me there.
6 comments:
We lost Kelly's dad almost two years ago. It made death so real to me regarding my own parents. I have thought so many times of the words you just wrote...how will things be without my mom. Who will I call to share the best and worst? A friend said goodbye to her own mother this week. I cried and cried for her and even myself someday. I am so sorry that you have to live a life without your mom...I can only imagine how deep your sorrow is.
i'm so sorry to hear this.
my heart aches for you and your loss.
but you are so right about the hope that lies ahead.
blessings to you.
Oh Leah. I am so sorry that you are going through this pain. I can't say that I know how you feel, but know that you are in my thoughts. Your words here are so touching. I am go glad that we have connected in this blog world. Hugs to you sweetie!!
Leah, My heart goes out to you . . can't seem to find the right words to comfort you in your lost. This is your journey and God knows just what he is doing with you. Press in . . he'll help you with this grief. Sweet thoughts for you kiddo.
Oh sweetie I can't imagine a life without my mom. My heart breaks for you...it really does.
My honey lost his dad to lung cancer 2 years ago. His mom has since remarried and is selling his childhood home. Every change is like another death to him. It's so hard. I believe those words from that author. We will never stop mourning him. It's just a new part of our lives...living with grief.
Hope you have a wonderful celebration with your family this weekend. He is the reason we get to see them again. That is the hope we hold onto.
sister, you 'exist' BECAUSE of mom. and i don't mean in the literal sense that she gave birth to you. be thankful every day that she was the person she was. mom (and dad) got you to this point in your life and instilled in you the qualities that allow you to go on without her. love you and miss you.
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